This is not something I thought I would ever be writing about. Honestly, it's one of those things you hear about, but that you don't think will ever happen to you. At this point I'm not even sure how I feel about it, but I just know that I need to share.
Never in a million years did I think I this would happen to me. With Landry everything was perfect. The first month we tried to get pregnant, we did. I had an almost perfect pregnancy. I guess I took it for granted and thought it would happen just like that again.
We tried for 4 months this time, still not a long time, but longer than I thought it would take. I woke up on Monday morning. I went to boot camp like normal and then came home to shower. I decided I would take the pregnancy test, but I just had this feeling (much like I did with Landry). I got in the shower without even looking at the results because I knew what it would say. I was right! I was pregnant and we were so excited!
We decided not to tell our families right away this time because we wanted to be able to surprise them. However, I did call the doctor. She ask that I come in and have blood work done just to confirm since I was going to have to start taking my Lovnenox shots right immediately.
I did that on Tuesday. My doctor called me back on Thursday and confirmed that I was pregnant. She said my numbers were low. I didn't think anything about it, I knew I was watching my cycle like a hawk and caught it early. Plus, Joel and I had both been sick and throwing up on Monday and I thought that might have skewed my numbers. She ask me to come back in on Friday to make sure that my numbers were doubling like they are supposed to.
Went in on Friday, no big deal. Friday night, I had a tiny tiny tiny bit of blood. I knew that wasn't normal and now I was a little worried. I had one of the worst nights sleep... I woke up at 4 AM and this time there was a lot more blood. I tried not to worry about it and go back to sleep, but in my heart, I knew what this meant.
I ended up calling the doctor to see if there was anything I could do to stop it. I wished for some magic pill or position I could lay in, ANYTHING! She confirmed what I already knew. I woke Joel up and told him what was happening. Then I called my mom, this is not the way I wanted to tell her I was pregnant.
Saturday was a day of depression in our house. We didn't do anything. We kept all the windows closed and I laid on the couch all day. I was scared to move or do anything. I just kept thinking if I rest this will stop, but it didn't.
On Sunday we had to go to church because I was working. If I hadn't been working I can guarantee you we would have had another day of depression. On the way to church a song came on about praising God in all things and I lost it. How can I praise God when my child has just been taken from me? I looked at Joel and told him I couldn't do it. I couldn't go into church and put on a happy face and act like everything was ok.
I went anyway. I sat in the back and didn't say much, I didn't know what to say or who to tell. And I knew the second I opened my mouth I was going to lose it again. So I sat in church with a broken heart trying to listen and get something out it.
I went downstairs and began my duty working with the preschoolers. After everything was settled, Pam, our preschool minister, came to check on me. I told her what was happening. She looked me in the eye and 'oh Carissa, I've been there'. It was as if God knew I needed to hear those words. It was as if God was saying my name in that moment. I broke down in the middle of the hallway. Pam was the only person I had spoken those words to outside of my family. She prayed with us and it was so comforting.
A few minutes later Andi came down the hall and said that she had been there too. She didn't offer advice or cooping strategies. She just told me she had been there 3 times and then ask what specifically she could pray for.
A few minutes later Loyce stepped out from teaching 4 year olds and ask if I was ok. She said she noticed something was wrong. So I told her. She too said she had been there. Didn't offer advice, only prayers.
On that day when I needed it most, God put not 1, not 2, but 3 women in my path that had been right where I was. None of them offered advice or help, they knew it wasn't what I needed. They simply offered their prayers.
I never knew any of these women had been through this terrible thing they call a miscarriage. It's one of those things that no one ever talks about. It's hard to talk about it. Nobody really wants to hear about it. You don't know what to say or how to act. It's not a club I want to be in, but I feel the need to share my story.
If you are going through a miscarriage tell someone. More than likely someone close to you has been there. Please know that you are not alone.
Prayer request - tomorrow I go back to the doctor for more blood work. Basically, I have to come back with a negative pregnancy test to make sure I'm not having a tubal pregnancy. I still don't know how to feel. I wanted that baby so bad. As soon as I got the positive pregnancy test, that was my child. It was my job to protect them, and for some reason my body couldn't.
This whole situation still feels like an out of body experience. I am cramping and having lower back pain, but for the most part the physical side of things hasn't been bad. It's the emotional side that is the worst. I keep waking up in the mornings thinking I should be pregnant. I wonder how long this will go on. When will I get over this? I know I will, but right now it seems like that is so far away. Although I never held that sweet baby in my arms, I will always hold them in my heart.
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