So our weekend was a little dramatic... or at least Sunday was. We went to church, and when we came home we put Landry down for his nap. He was perfectly normal and went right to sleep. While he was napping, I went to my cousin's house to her Thirty One party. I came home around 2:30 so we could head to our friend Ethan's birthday party. When I got home Joel told me Landry was still asleep. He had woken up, but Joel said he was still acting really tired so he put him back down. If you know me at all, you know that I hate being late, so I decided we could wake him up. He had been sleeping for 2.5 hours and that is a long nap for our little man. Usually when he wakes up he is immediately is happy self. That was not the case! AT ALL! He was screaming and crying and refused to open his eyes. I just held him close and told him he was in mommy's arms. He couldn't see and I could tell it was really freaking him out. So I just kept my voice calm and talk to him. On the inside, I was crying and scared and worried. I started singing Jesus Loves Me and Amazing Grace to him while Joel looked up what could be wrong. After almost an hour of crying, not opening eyes, and nearly pure panic we decided to put him in the car. Our thought was that a change of scenery would make him open his eyes. Well, it didn't work. So I told Joel to drive around, we ended up back at my cousin's house. She is a nurse and I figured she could look at him. She rinsed his eyes with water and he finally opened them. One of his eyes was just fine, the other one was super swollen and blood shot and not good at all. He started acting like himself again and we gave him some benadryl thinking it was an allergic reaction to something. We decided to take him to the urgent care center to make sure nothing else was wrong. I am so glad we did!! When the doctor saw us she and she ask a bunch of questions. I mentioned that my cousin thought it might be a corneal scratch. She decided it wouldn't hurt to do the test. They put this neon stuff in his eye and then turned off a light and shined a black light. At first she didn't believe what she was seeing.
The stuff around the outside is his eye is just the stuff they put in it. The part directly over is actual eyeball, is NOT supposed to be there. Needless to say, the doctor was very surprised. She proceed to call it a tear not a scratch. She told us we need to see an ophthamologist as soon as possible. She prescribed some eye drops to help prevent infection. Anyway, long story short we went and saw a cornea specialist today. He was able to look into Landry's eye and see that it was a tear, but it is almost complete healed already! The eye is one of the fastest healing areas on the body. He said it was only on the surface and not any deeper. He shouldn't have any lasting damage. His vision is great! And Landry loved the appointment because ALLLLLLLL of the techs were eating out of the palm of his hand. He was the center of attention and designated himself the official door greeter and waved and blew kisses to everyone who came in. I think there were a couple of people visiting that office today that need some uplifting, and Landry was just the guy to do it.
This is not something I thought I would ever be writing about. Honestly, it's one of those things you hear about, but that you don't think will ever happen to you. At this point I'm not even sure how I feel about it, but I just know that I need to share.
Never in a million years did I think I this would happen to me. With Landry everything was perfect. The first month we tried to get pregnant, we did. I had an almost perfect pregnancy. I guess I took it for granted and thought it would happen just like that again.
We tried for 4 months this time, still not a long time, but longer than I thought it would take. I woke up on Monday morning. I went to boot camp like normal and then came home to shower. I decided I would take the pregnancy test, but I just had this feeling (much like I did with Landry). I got in the shower without even looking at the results because I knew what it would say. I was right! I was pregnant and we were so excited!
We decided not to tell our families right away this time because we wanted to be able to surprise them. However, I did call the doctor. She ask that I come in and have blood work done just to confirm since I was going to have to start taking my Lovnenox shots right immediately.
I did that on Tuesday. My doctor called me back on Thursday and confirmed that I was pregnant. She said my numbers were low. I didn't think anything about it, I knew I was watching my cycle like a hawk and caught it early. Plus, Joel and I had both been sick and throwing up on Monday and I thought that might have skewed my numbers. She ask me to come back in on Friday to make sure that my numbers were doubling like they are supposed to.
Went in on Friday, no big deal. Friday night, I had a tiny tiny tiny bit of blood. I knew that wasn't normal and now I was a little worried. I had one of the worst nights sleep... I woke up at 4 AM and this time there was a lot more blood. I tried not to worry about it and go back to sleep, but in my heart, I knew what this meant.
I ended up calling the doctor to see if there was anything I could do to stop it. I wished for some magic pill or position I could lay in, ANYTHING! She confirmed what I already knew. I woke Joel up and told him what was happening. Then I called my mom, this is not the way I wanted to tell her I was pregnant.
Saturday was a day of depression in our house. We didn't do anything. We kept all the windows closed and I laid on the couch all day. I was scared to move or do anything. I just kept thinking if I rest this will stop, but it didn't.
On Sunday we had to go to church because I was working. If I hadn't been working I can guarantee you we would have had another day of depression. On the way to church a song came on about praising God in all things and I lost it. How can I praise God when my child has just been taken from me? I looked at Joel and told him I couldn't do it. I couldn't go into church and put on a happy face and act like everything was ok.
I went anyway. I sat in the back and didn't say much, I didn't know what to say or who to tell. And I knew the second I opened my mouth I was going to lose it again. So I sat in church with a broken heart trying to listen and get something out it.
I went downstairs and began my duty working with the preschoolers. After everything was settled, Pam, our preschool minister, came to check on me. I told her what was happening. She looked me in the eye and 'oh Carissa, I've been there'. It was as if God knew I needed to hear those words. It was as if God was saying my name in that moment. I broke down in the middle of the hallway. Pam was the only person I had spoken those words to outside of my family. She prayed with us and it was so comforting.
A few minutes later Andi came down the hall and said that she had been there too. She didn't offer advice or cooping strategies. She just told me she had been there 3 times and then ask what specifically she could pray for.
A few minutes later Loyce stepped out from teaching 4 year olds and ask if I was ok. She said she noticed something was wrong. So I told her. She too said she had been there. Didn't offer advice, only prayers.
On that day when I needed it most, God put not 1, not 2, but 3 women in my path that had been right where I was. None of them offered advice or help, they knew it wasn't what I needed. They simply offered their prayers.
I never knew any of these women had been through this terrible thing they call a miscarriage. It's one of those things that no one ever talks about. It's hard to talk about it. Nobody really wants to hear about it. You don't know what to say or how to act. It's not a club I want to be in, but I feel the need to share my story.
If you are going through a miscarriage tell someone. More than likely someone close to you has been there. Please know that you are not alone.
Prayer request - tomorrow I go back to the doctor for more blood work. Basically, I have to come back with a negative pregnancy test to make sure I'm not having a tubal pregnancy. I still don't know how to feel. I wanted that baby so bad. As soon as I got the positive pregnancy test, that was my child. It was my job to protect them, and for some reason my body couldn't.
This whole situation still feels like an out of body experience. I am cramping and having lower back pain, but for the most part the physical side of things hasn't been bad. It's the emotional side that is the worst. I keep waking up in the mornings thinking I should be pregnant. I wonder how long this will go on. When will I get over this? I know I will, but right now it seems like that is so far away. Although I never held that sweet baby in my arms, I will always hold them in my heart.
Well, Landry is now officially 16 months old (as of Friday). I haven't done an update on his development in awhile, and he is learning so much right now. I don't want to forget anything.
He has so many new words- 'yeeea' (Leo), 'boot bal' (football), 'bay bal' (baseball), 'ba bal' (basketball), 'thac wo' (thank you), 'dada', 'pupu' (pumpkin), 'gr' (grape), 'tada' (all done), 'sue' (shoe), 'bao' (boo), bye, hi (I'm sure there are more that I just can't think of right now.)
He signs- milk, more, please, give me, all done, and food.
He can point to his ear, eye, belly button, nose and mouth.
He knows the animal sounds for a dog, elephant, sheep, and owl. Oh and we can't forget cars. He knows the sound a car makes too.
It seems like everyday he is learning something new. He mimics just about everything we do brushing our hair, brushing our teeth, vacuuming, and really any kind of cleaning.
He also mimics Leo and is constantly trying to play with him. If Leo walks into a room Landry will stop what he is doing and point to him and 'Yeea'.
Landry is definitely full of personality and LOVES attention! When we go grocery shopping he will wave at people and say hi and bye progressively louder until people say it back. When we are at home he loves to make us laugh. He will hide or play peek-a-boo until he gets our attention. He also randomly runs into our room, lays in the middle of the floor, and waits for the 'tickle monster' to come.
At night one of us holds Landry and we say prayers right before bed. He has started hugging both of us around the neck at the same time. MELT. MY. HEART. It is seriously the sweetest thing ever.
Today I am linking up with MEl, Shay and Sheaffer to show you my pinspired looks. This one is more of a "pinterest told me to" inspired.
Pinterest told me to, so I listened. I mixed black and brown! This has always been a huge no-no in my book, but after seeing the proof that it work I went for it. Shay told me to, so I listened. I mixed patterns! NEVER EVER in my life would I have put leopard print with stripes before pinterest!
I have to say, I love the way this outfit turned out! If I can do it, you can too! Thanks ladies for the inspiration!